Caught in Your Riptide

I want to climb inside you 

And listen to the gossip that runs through your blood 

And sit cross legged like a child behind your heart 

And observe the history that became your aloof calmness /

Each beat transferring one of your memories /

I want to travel to the day when your dad told you to be quiet. 

And kiss the tears off your little cheeks.

And whisper that I love hearing your voice.

Which Became my favourite soundtrack of the summer /

I want to be able to map out your body without even looking at you

I’ve Memorized the scars on yours arms and the grooves of your calloused hands 

My catch phrases diffuse into your daily vocabulary 

and you infuse your soft pink lips into my neck /

I wish I knew how to articulate how I want you to love me 

But I wish you would’ve asked 

And I’m scared that I love you 

More than you love me

Or maybe it’s not love/ because 

I have become what I want you to see/

So that when you say goodbye

You are leaving a person 

I made just for you /

Someone who loves the way your lip curls when you say fuck /

And the way you spend 30 minutes talking 

before you even look at me/

You showcase me to your friends 

Your voice  like a trumpet 

The center of every/ orchestrated conversation :

 “they loved you” 

But do you? //Silent screams manifest into a shy smirk. 

because to them I feel like

 a blonde with a smile /

And a name they forgot 

An accessory to your personality 

Like a pair of diamond earrings to bring out your eyes 

Pretty enough for recognition 

/Not enough for distraction /

Your love is like a waterfall

All consuming

Soothing,  

Yet confusing /

better keep a distance 

to avoid being swept out in your riptide

But then one day  I looked up 

And I saw your khaki arcteryx pants 

Casually man spreading under the kitchen table 

And only then 

Did I realize I had been eating the off the ground

Hungering after the crumbs of your affection, 

So I  made my own table 

And invited my own guests 

But somehow I still miss the cold hardwood floors

And the crumbs of your attention

And as I let your memory slip between my fingers

I also cling on to you 

digging my nails into the nostalgia 

And imagine I’m sinking my hands into your back 

Canceling the space you’ve put between us 

Torturing myself with remedy your body used to be 

And dreaming of your silhouette 

As the late summer sun set

Through my screen door

Because  I forget who I was 

Before I let your words drip into my identity 

And your presence

Trap me in your safety net